I enjoy reading biographies. I like to read about the lives of men and what made them tick—what motivated them. I have found a common thread in most biographies that so profoundly impacted the men’s lives that it stands out as the red herring (something that distracts the attention).

It is the wound of the father.

The wounds a father inflicts can have a lasting and sometimes devastating impact upon a man. However, if you have been wounded by your father, not only can you be healed of that wound, the scar can become a testimony to help others recover.

When my children were very young, I would regularly tuck them into bed at night. I would take the time to tell each of them a story that involved a young person like themselves in a difficult situation that required integrity, faith, and/or courage to get them through it. Then I would pray that their sleep would be sweet, that God’s Spirit would instruct them in the night, and they would awaken with confidence.

One night after the routine with my son, he grabbed my tee shirt and pulled me back to him, and in his small two-year old voice said, “Daddy, thanks for putting me to bed.”

Obviously it was an emotional moment for me but it actually had a strange impact on me… I actually became depressed, which didn’t make sense. You see, by all accounts I was successful. I had a home, a loving wife, three young and healthy children, a growing and active career. Yet, when I went down the stairs to return to my evening, my knees buckled from the despair.

For three days, I struggled with an overwhelming sense of regret. Depression came to me like a spirit to haunt my mind. Wounds that I had long sense forgotten resurfaced as if they were suddenly struck upon me. The bruising reappeared. The pain re-imagined.

The wound was serious. I finally opened up in my morning prayer time with a sigh of pity, “God, I have never been tucked into bed by my Father.”

Suddenly I heard deep within my spirit the echo of a verse, “Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” (Galatians 6:4)

After repeating that statement a few times, it began to sink into me until I finally laughed out loud as a remarkable healing took place in my mind, “I can call you Daddy! You’re my Father. I have your blessing.”

The intimacy of my relationship with God changed that day. In fact, I began to refer to him as Father rather than the generic term of god. Revelation of the powerful work of the gospel flooded into me in that moment of blessing.

Not only did it change my relationship with God the Father, it did something deep within me concerning my own children, but even more, it allowed me to forgive my earthly father. I completely set him free from the wound of his departure. We have a wonderful relationship today because of it.

If you’ve been wounded by your father, know that you can be healed of it.

Tips to Heal the Wound:

• Find some time for isolation to dig deep into the wound. Look for the moment that it occurred.
• Forgive your father. Speak it out loud and meaningfully, “Father, I forgive you!”
• Accept and acknowledge God as your Father and call him, “Daddy.”
• Understand that you are a true son and you have your Father’s blessing.
• Learn to refer to God as your Father.
• Learn the characteristics of your Father, knowing that His DNA and thoughts are now in you.
• Walk in the confidence of forgiveness and repair the wound.
• Help other men know how to heal the wound of the father.

When facing a tragedy like the F5 Tornado in Moore, Oklahoma, we must check ourselves before we respond out of ignorance.

Jesus’ response to tragedy can serve as a lesson.

“Those eighteen who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them—do you think they were more guilty than all the others living in Jerusalem? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.” Luke 13:4

Jesus is teaching that if we are not careful, we can think a tragedy is a targeted judgment of sin, when in fact; ALL tragedy is a result of the fallen world. The earth is groaning as in birth pains awaiting the redemptive work of God (Romans 8.)

Jesus warns those judging the tragedy of the fallen tower of Siloam that the eighteen who died were not more sinful than anyone else, they were simply the result of the tragedy of death.

In the face of tragedy, these are comments you should NOT make:

• This happened because they are cursed.
• God is teaching them something.
• All things work together for the good. (This is taking a scripture completely out of the context and applying all acts as good. Obviously, this is not true.)
• They lacked faith.
• Hopefully, this will turn them to God.
• Well, I am just glad it didn’t happen to us.
• They deserved it.
• God did this. (Be careful of this one. Do not sin with your lips by accusing God of a tragedy.)

These are responses we SHOULD have:

• What can I do to help?
• Who is responding and how can I help them?
• How can I pray?
• I am so grateful and humbled by this tragedy that I want to invest in helping in every way that I can.

If you would like to help in relief efforts, please consider donating to convoyofhope.org.

Let’s face it, we all have problems. Some problems are small, some problems are large. Some problems are simple, some are complex. Some problems are a nuisance, some are disastrous. Handling and solving problems is an art form that we must master.

Do you remember the old reruns of “Father Knows Best?” It certainly was a different era at that time. The premise of the show was pretty simple—a midwestern family consisting of the father, Jim Anderson, his wife, and three children. Each show featured a problem the father would work through on everyone’s behalf, then he would offer the best solution to “the worst thing that could ever happen.”

As men, we are often considered the problem solvers in the family. We should not only embrace this responsibility but we should master it. Problems are gates to your significance. The solving of problems can distinguish you from others and position you for promotion.

Learn to “run to the roar” to solve a problem.

David was a great example of this. As a young shepherd boy guarding his father’s sheep, he learned how to solve problems by running toward them and not away from them. When a predator wanted to take one of the lambs, David would run to the roar! Instead of running away from the problem, he ran to it. This kind of problem solving developed David into a would-be king. He fought a lion. Then he fought a bear. When a giant came out against his fellow Israelites, David ran to the giant. As a result of this approach he was promoted to lead an army and a nation.

Problems link you to others.

There are people you will get to know when you face problems. Some of these people will be important links to your future. Friendships are revealed during problematic times. A wise man once said, “There is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.” You will find that some problems may cause some people to exit your life while drawing others into close relationship with you.

You will be compensated according to the problems that you are willing and able to solve.

This is the reality of economics. People will pay you to solve their problems. Lawyers solve legal problems. A mechanic solves your car problems. Doctors solves your health problems. The dry cleaners cares for your laundry. Notice however, they are not each paid equally.

Years ago I learned a valuable lesson—not everyone wants their problems solved.

As strange at that sounds, it is true. There are people who love to remain in the middle of their problems. They love the drama. They feel important when they are being overwhelmed.

A married couple came to me for advice. After investing a year of my time meeting with them both on a weekly basis, I discovered all they wanted was a listener—not a problem solver. They didn’t want to change in order to solve their problems, they wanted to remain in the mess of their choosing and wanted someone to dump their problems onto—and that would be me.

Their problem was not their problem. Not wanting a solution was the problem.

James gives us an incredible promise,

“Consider it a sheer gift, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.” (James 1:2-4 Message)

Learn the art of solving problems so that your family members will want to run to you for advice and guidance in their lives. The very essence of maturity is the wisdom to solve problems.

For every mile of road there are two miles of ditch. Extremes are exaggerations or over-emphasis of a truth. You can be in error simply by emphasis.

I have noticed some men either are overly confident, even arrogant, or they are insecure, not thinking enough of themselves at all. In both cases, the extremes cause the error.

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t — you’re right.”
-Henry Ford

Paul gives some good advice, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”

Notice the emphasis on the self-assessment is based on sober judgment. To think soberly means to have sound judgment, to be in agreement, to be harmonious, or have the same mind.

What are you to be in agreement with? Paul says, “In accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.” In other words, to have a sober assessment of one’s self is to be in harmony or in agreement with God’s Word for you.

When your child has fallen short on a task, do you emphasize that failure every day for the rest of his or her life? Of course not, you build them up, focusing on their strengths. It would be unhealthy to constantly remind them of their shortcomings. The same is true for you, if you fall short or make a mistake, don’t rehearse the failure over and over — get over it and move on — change your thinking.

The summer before my last year of high school, we moved to our lake house near a small town where I would finish my senior year.  Previously I had played football at a school with an excellent coach. He eventually went on to be an assistant coach for the Oklahoma Sooners.  That coach lead us to a consistent winning record.

However, now I was at a smaller school.  At the first team meeting I knew we were in trouble.  I looked around the room to see a bunch of sloppy guys. They seemed to drag themselves around, shoulders drooping, with stinky attitudes.  Their team talk was all negative.

“We haven’t had a winning season in years,” one of my new friends commented.  The self-doubt and unbelief was contagious.  Others chimed in to echo the defeatism.

Sure enough, we lost every single game we played that year.  It was demoralizing to say the least.  That team was defeated before we ever started practicing much less before we played a game.

I’ve seen grown men act the same way—constantly regurgitating their experiences rather than their expectations.

Listen men, we cannot win with a losing strategy. We’re in the game of life and we need to win!  The scores we earn have a real effect on us and our attitude matters immensely.

Stop talking defeat.  Stop discussing your fears, doubts, and unbeliefs. And just as importantly, stop THINKING defeat and doubt.

There is a great story in the Old Testament when Jonathan says to his armor-bearer, “Let’s go fight our enemy.  Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf.  Nothing can hinder the Lord, no matter how many they have.”

The armor-bearer’s response is awesome.  He says, “Do all that you have in mind.  Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul.”

That’s the kind of statement we need to make if we’re going into battle, if we’re going to lead a company to new levels of success, if we’re going to raise up our children to have confidence.

What patterns of poor thinking do you need to change or overcome?

How to Respect Your Husband. How to Respect Your Wife.

Yes, you read the title correctly. This subject is for both husbands and wives. Why? Some may be surprised to learn that FivestarMan has an interested audience of women curious to know more about the quest for authentic manhood for the man in their life.

Shelly, via Facebook, asked this question recently. ”How do I show respect to my husband?” In answer I would say this: It would be very difficult to show respect to your husband if he first didn’t show his love toward you.

So let us first discuss the man’s role in gaining respect from his wife. The apostle Paul addressed this very question by directing his command to the man first.

Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. – Paul (Ephesians 5:33)

Paul continues by equating the relationship Jesus has with the Church with the relational and emotional needs of a healthy marriage. He actually prods the husband to understand the love he has for his wife should be sacrificial—even to the point of death. That’s a very strong statement and yet that’s exactly the kind of love a husband should strive to have and show toward his wife. To be honest, very few husbands have lived up to that standard but it is certainly a worthy goal.

Men, know this:

The greatest need of a woman is to be loved.

The Apostle goes on to teach of the power a husband’s words has on his wife. He says the words of a man have the ability to cleanse, even sanctify, his wife. This is why the words of a husband should be useful for edifying and strengthening his wife.

Yes, there are times a man’s words may seem like a rebuke or correction but the spirit behind those words should be out of his love for her, never to damage or oppress her.

By the same token, a man should never allow his wife to speak derogatory statements over herself.

Why? There is enmity between the world system and the woman. It only takes a few minutes viewing television commercials to see the degradation aimed toward women. This skewed view  make many women feel they can never live up to the unnatural standards portrayed. A natural tendency then is to feel a sense of despair and condemnation. However, a husband has authority to speak kind and comforting words over his wife that will cleanse her from unrighteous condemnation.

And now for the women. Know this:

The greatest need of a man is to be respected.

Paul then instructs women that men need something different than the communicative emotion of love. Men actually need to be respected. Men value the position of honor and expect to be treated with it. The husband should live in such a way that merits honor and in return his wife should show respect toward him. She should esteem him. She should listen and carefully receive from him.

God honors protocol. He will honor the fact that the husband is the “head” of the wife. God speaks through leadership not around leadership. God will use the husband to speak instructional advise to his wife.

What if the husband is an unbeliever?

Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. – Romans 13:1

God has established husbandry as the authority of the home. He is the designed protector, provider, and promoter of the home. Even though he may not be a believer, a woman should do her best to honor the husband’s role. (For more information regarding the protocol of authority, you may download a free copy of The Centurion Principle at FivestarMan.com.)

So, how does a woman show respect?

• Honor your husband. Do so by never speaking down to him or belittling him to any of your friends. Do not grumble against him.
• Encourage him by giving him gratitude and praise for what he does and what he provides for your family. A simple gesture of thanks goes a long way for a man.
• Think of creative ways to serve him and show kindness toward him.
• Do not nag at him. Proverbs warns of the nagging wife – even suggesting that it would be better to live in the corner of the attic or even in a dry and desolate place than with a nag. Don’t do it.
• Do not compare him to anyone else. Do not be snippy or sarcastic.
• Do not raise your voice to him. Speak to him in a respectful and honorable tone.
• Be quick to apologize when you are wrong. Do not allow strife to exist between you. Where there is strife there is every evil work.
• Save some energy for him. I know you have a lot going on around the house, especially if you have small children. However, make sure you nurture your time with him and only him. Make your bedroom a sanctuary. Children should not run into your room. They should knock on the door for permission to enter. I know you may be thinking that I am unrealistic at this point but I am not. In fact, let me go one step further. Do not allow your children to sleep with you in the master bedroom.
• Go to your husband for answers. He is given a position of wisdom and you need to draw upon him.
• Finally, make sure that you pray for your husband daily.

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