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Dear Dave,

When, if ever, should your baby emergency fund be more than $1,000? Is there ever a scenario in which it should be less?

Sue

Dear Sue,

I always recommend that people who make $20,000 a year or less start out with a baby emergency fund of $500. Almost anyone can scrimp and save up $500 in a short amount of time, and this makes it easier for folks who don’t make a lot of money to have a safety net in place.

Is there a scenario where the baby emergency fund should be more than $1,000? I guess if you were stuck in a situation where you had $200,000 in debt and made $60,000 a year, you might want to ratchet that amount up to $2,000 or $3,000. The reason? It’s going to take you several years to dig your way out, and that means you’re taking a chance on several years worth of emergencies!

If you’ve got a really unstable situation—like there’s a good chance you might lose your job—or an emergency already pending, you should delay starting the Baby Steps and pile up a bunch of cash. In a case like that, it just wouldn’t make sense to start a financial overhaul and be sitting there with only $1,000 in the bank. If there’s a nasty storm coming, you need to work, work, work to get ready, and make sure you’ve got the biggest umbrella you can get!

Then, after you get past the bad stuff, you can push “play” on your Total Money Makeover. That’s when you’d pull your savings back down to $1,000 and go into attack mode on your debt!

—Dave

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Unmarried Couples Combine Finances?

Dear Dave,

Do you advise unmarried, long-term couples to combine finances to follow your plan, or should they move forward financially on an individual basis?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

I always answer questions like this based on what I would do in the same situation. I know the statistics on unmarried couples who live together, and the numbers show most of them don’t stay together. I’m not trying to be mean, but I want you to know the truth.

Combining your finances when you’re not married could be a disaster. Pretending you’re married, but trying to keep your finances and other areas of your lives separate doesn’t work, either. I’ve been doing this for a long time, and I’ve met with an awful lot of couples in your situation. So, here’s my advice to you, Ashley. If you love this guy, and he loves you, then you need to get married. You may think that’s presumptuous, but you asked my opinion.

The idea that long-term, unmarried couples prosper financially and emotionally is pure mythology!

—Dave

* For more financial help, please visit daveramsey.com.

Derek continues his series on friends. When you and your brother (friend) have a disagreement, don’t take the grievance to someone else. Talk directly to your friend and you’ll be amazed how easily differences can be worked out.  Click here to view on YouTube.

Check out Derek’s Facebook page for more great videos.

Check out Derek’s Facebook page for more great videos.

The seed of disagreement starts with a murmur.

Murmuring is an argument that is not voiced properly. It is an under-the-breath complaint. A grunt. A murmur is difficult to answer because the complaint—however legitimate—fails to communicate.

A murmur unaddressed matures to become strife.

Strife is a force of resistance. It is still unspoken, but you can feel it. When you enter a room where strife is present, your spirit immediately picks it up, your emotions become anxious and you sense danger.

Strife takes on evil work.

Evil work is actions that lead to the plotting and scheming to get one’s own way. Evil work takes on vain imaginations and delusions.

The next level is manipulation.

Manipulation is a “desire for political office by unfair means.” It is the beginning process of usurping authority. It is referred to as Machiavellian, which is a political manifesto on how to maneuver politically.

Manipulation gives way to witchcraft.

Witchcraft is not an old wrinkled woman stirring concoctions in a cauldron. It is the use of words to invoke a curse rather than a blessing. Couples resort to witchcraft when speaking with familiarity, practicing put-downs, and critical remarks. Coarse jesting to damage a person’s respect is a form of witchcraft.

Witchcraft gives place to rebellion.

Rebellion is the level at which a person accepts the spirit of Lucifer. Rebellion is a filthy sin against protocol. It is dangerous. This is where people get hurt.

Rebellion matures to the final level of disagreement: division.

The dividing of one to become two. It is the antipathy of two becoming one. This is why God hates divorce.

The scheme of division is placed in action because the Nemesis of man fears the principle of agreement. He know that when two agree on earth, touching anything, it will be done. No force on earth can stop the power of agreement. Whether in marriage, in business, or in life, learn to practice the principle of agreement. You will be unstoppable.

In all the time you and your spouse spend together, your husband or wife will eventually do something that makes you angry.

He’ll invite friends over before discussing it with you. She’ll leave the cap off the toothpaste tube. He will disrespect you in front of your family or friends. Big or small, important or unimportant, anger-charged situations are going to come up. And since God created us to be able to feel anger, you’re going to get mad.

Anger can be like a fire welling up inside of you. You feel hot. The blood rushes to your head. You feel as if you’re about to catch on fire.

So what are you supposed to do when your husband or wife makes you mad?

Well remember back to when you were a kid. What were you taught to do if you catch on fire?

Stop, Drop and Roll.

And that’s what we do when anger starts to burn inside of us.

First of all STOP. Slow down, and analyze the situation.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. James 1:19-20 NIV

If you want to do what the Word says and be slow to become angry, then you’ve got to take time to stop.

If you and your husband are out with friends and you’re telling a story. Then all of a sudden your spouse takes over. He interrupts you, and it becomes his story.

Stop. Ask yourself some questions.

Why am I mad? I don’t like being interrupted. It’s rude!

Who am I mad at? My husband.

Does he have any idea what he just did? Probably not.

Is getting my feelings hurt going to make the situation any better? Not at all.

Should I say something? Yes, but I’ll wait to mention it on the way home. By then I’ll have had some time to cool off, and I can explain that I don’t like to be interrupted.

That’s it. In the few seconds that it took to ask yourself some questions, you’ve avoided your night being ruined by anger.

You don’t have to give your husband the silent treatment all night so he knows that he made you mad. You don’t have to get into a fight on the drive home.

You took time to stop, and that helped you slow down your anger. Now you’re over it. Way to go!

Here’s another typical situation that comes up in marriage.

It’s almost time to put the kids to bed. You decide to chase them around the house and tickle them until they can’t stand it any longer. Your wife tells you to knock it off; the kids don’t need to get all wound up right before bed.

You don’t like that. You don’t like being told what to do. You’re just trying to have some fun with the kids. What’s so bad about that?

Before it goes too far, stop. Remember that your goal is to be slow to get angry.

Ask yourself some questions.

Why am I mad? I don’t think I was doing anything wrong. And I don’t like to be corrected!

Who am I mad at? My wife.

Was she trying to make me mad? No.

Does she have a point? Yeah, I can see how it might be harder for them to fall asleep after all that tickling.

Should I say something? Yeah, I should apologize and help the kids calm down.

Voilă! Your anger is gone. The problem is solved.

There’s something to this being slow to anger, or God wouldn’t have bothered mentioning it. So remember next time you feel anger welling up on the inside of you, just take a second to stop!

The next step is to DROP.

Once you settle on a solution move on and forgive the person who has offended you. It’s so important in marriage that we develop the skill of dropping.

To be able to move on and forgive your spouse is not only important to your marriage, but to your walk with God.

And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your failings and shortcomings. Mark 11:25-26 Amplified

If you can’t forgive your spouse, then God can’t forgive you!

Forgiveness is that important to God! He says, “You do it, or I won’t.”

It’s very common in marriage to get into an argument and get angry with your spouse. Eventually you make up and forgive each other. But is that end of it? Or the next time you get into a fight, do you bring up what you supposedly forgave your spouse for last time?

If you bring it up again, have you truly forgiven? Have you really dropped it? Or are you holding a grudge?

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV

We have to get rid of bitterness and anger and all the things that come with them and forgive—not just with lip service—but truly, forgive from our hearts.

What if Jesus brought up the last sin you confessed every time you came to Him? What if He rubbed it in your face? Would you feel like He had really forgiven you?

The good news is that Jesus isn’t that way. He is faithful and just to forgive us. And He not only forgives, He forgets.

Think about that. Jesus forgets.

Do you think He has a memory eraser like in the movie Men In Black that wipes our sins out of His mind? No, it’s not so much that Jesus forgets our sin, but He chooses not to remember it.

Let Jesus be your example and forgive your spouse when he or she makes you angry. Choose not to remember it.

Just drop it!

And the last step is ROLL.

See if you can turn the situation around for good. You can use the things that anger you or frustrate you as motivation.

A big part of what frustrates Trudi and me is the state of the American family. What I see on television bothers me. The way people are raising their kids bothers me. It bothers me that people think that they can just go to church once and week and let the world take over the rest of the time.

I want to see fathers leading families who love God. I want to see mothers who know the Word of God and are instructing and bringing up their kids to really know and love Jesus.

It makes me mad to see what the devil is doing to families today. Some of our frustrations about the state of families gave us the idea for Relative.

Maybe what’s frustrating you is really a God-given anger because God wants you to do something about it.

Think about this: If Millard Fuller hadn’t gotten angry about housing for the poor, Habitat for Humanity wouldn’t have been started, and thousands of poor people would not have homes of their own. If Martin Luther King, Jr. hadn’t gotten angry about racial injustice, the Civil Rights movement would not have progressed as it did. If the Apostle Paul hadn’t gotten angry, we would be missing a huge piece of the wisdom of the New Testament.

Under the right circumstances anger can be a catalyst for good. Anger, like a good horse, must be bridled.

If God hadn’t dealt constructively with His anger about sin, He would have destroyed the world. Instead He sent Jesus to die on the Cross and restore our relationship with Him.

Pray that God will help you to gain control of your anger so that you can use it for His honor. You do not have to make that change in your own strength, because as you prayerfully seek to follow the guidance of the Bible, the Spirit of God will enable you to do it. Let Him show you how to deal with your anger and frustration to bring Him glory in all that you do.

It is likely no surprise to you that God has wired women and men differently. We all recognize some of these differences, but others often hide in plain sight. Shaunti Feldhahn, a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist, author and speaker wrote a fantastic book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. In it, she recounts the surprising truths she learned about men after interviewing more than one thousand of them.

I had the opportunity to interview Shaunti for our radio broadcast, HomeWord with Jim Burns. In our discussion, we spoke about ten things guys wish women knew about men and I think this is good info for both sexes. I think you’ll find these ten things fascinating! Even more, I believe that in understanding these issues, you’ll be equipped to lead your marriage to a better place!

1. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.

Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.

2. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife.

When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.

3. Men are often insecure.

Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.

4. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family.

Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.

5. Men want more sex.

Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.

6. Sex means more than sex.

When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!

7. Men struggle with visual temptation.

This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.

8. Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic.

True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?

9. Men care about their wife’s appearance.

This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.

10. Men want their wives to know how much they love them.

This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.

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By Jim Burns, Ph.D
In response to the overwhelming needs of parents and families, Jim Burns founded HomeWord in 1985. HomeWord is a Christian organization designed to provide assistance to adults worldwide as they help young people make wise decisions and lead positive, vibrant, Christian lifestyles.

Printed by permission of HomeWord.  For additional information on HomeWord, visit www.homeword.com or call 800-397-9725.

“As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” – Solomon

The battlefield is in your mind. Your thoughts are powerful. In fact, God can do nothing in you beyond your belief system. Everything is possible for the man who believes. We often establish fences that keep us out of areas of the unknown.

For example, science in the past said that man is incapable of breaking the four minute mile. That was until May 6, 1954, when Roger Bannister ran a mile in 3 minutes, 59.4 seconds. Today, thousands run under the 4 minute barrier. One man broke the barrier of a universally held belief system.

Two very important questions that you should consider:

• What are you doing today that you once thought was impossible?
• What are you not doing today because you think that it is impossible?

2. Your Words

“From the fruit of his lips a man enjoys good things.” – Solomon

Men love to talk about the things the things they are passionate about. Yet, very few men understand the gravity of their words. Your words have power. Your words reveal your secrets.  If you don’t understand this powerful truth, consider the impact of the words that you speak to your wife and children. Your words literally mold them into what you say over them.

Two very important questions that you should consider:

• What words do I exclude from my vocabulary?
• What words will I include in my vocabulary?

3. Your Relationships

“The man who walks with wise men becomes wise himself.” – Solomon

Relationships are about proximity. You should know who is in your “success-zone”. What books are your currently reading? What television shows are you entertained by? What conversations are your involved in? What jokes do you listen to?

I’m a private person, yet I have very transparent conversations. Those with whom I dialogue know that I am very open to discuss matters but I am also very selective in what I will say. I’ve learned that proximity governs most of my life.

I was speaking with a man concerning the unfaithfulness of a mutual friend. I said, “I don’t understand how a man allows the proximity of a woman to enter his life for him to cross the line for adultery.” Somehow, the man opened his life for the relationship.

Two very important questions that you should consider:

• Who is currently in my life that I should avoid?
• Who is not in my life that I should invite?

Contrary to what most moms and dads think, teens really do want rules. Rules help keep them headed in the right direction and prevent them from ending up in a place that they don’t want to be. When coupled with consequences, they help the teen more easily resist temptation and the inappropriate scheming of their peers. Having a good reason to say “No” comes as a relief to a teen raised to know basic moral values. Deep down, teens understand this, no matter how much they push against the rules, bend them, break them, and balk at them.

To be effective, rules need to be based on the boundaries you establish in your home, which are even more important and foundational for a child to learn. Boundaries aren’t the rules; they are the fence posts placed around behavior. They are the delineation of how a family’s beliefs are to be lived out; the “I will” and “I will not” statements that are the basis of our daily living and interaction with others. They help everyone in the family take responsibility for their own behavior, improve their choices, and know if they are headed into dangerous territory.

Boundaries define what you will and won’t accept, and should come from what you believe is right for your teen at this stage in his life and for your family.

An example of a boundary might be: “We will treat each other with mutual respect.”  If you believe that respect for one another has merit (I certainly do), then your boundary will include showing respect to those you live with, and teaching family members to respect authority and those outside the family as well. Being respectful means: not taking things without asking, not talking badly about another, not leaving a mess, not calling names or mouthing off.

On the positive side, being respectful means: celebrating one another’s successes, helping each other out when it’s needed, asking permission before using something that is not yours, or standing up for other family members. You fill in what you consider to be respectful and disrespectful practices.

Did you notice in this example that boundaries are about every member of the family, not just the kids? They are more about setting an accepted lifestyle and mode of interaction for everyone in the home, versus specific do’s and don’ts. If the boundaries are completely understood, then rules almost become redundant. For instance, “respect” would also cover issues like theft, honesty, caring for others, taking care of one’s belongings, etc.

Boundaries insure each family member takes responsibility for themselves and their own actions.

Boundaries include what your child already knows, what you’ve taught them all their life. But sometimes teens get confused by “childhood” rules within those boundaries and rules which are lifelong.  For instance, the boundary, “We will avoid unnecessary risks and dangers,” would include holding mom’s hand as you walk across the street as a child. This would of course not be appropriate in the teen years. Rather, it would shift more toward wearing a car seatbelt, a bike helmet, and not taking medications without a parent’s permission or doctor’s prescription in the teen years.

But another typical boundary, “We will avoid illegal activities,” is a lifelong boundary. It never changes, other than according to changes in the current laws. The goal, then, is to make it clear to your teen which boundaries and related rules are now appropriate for him, according to the values you hold dear and just common sense (you may have noticed that teens don’t always have a lot of common sense).

Boundaries aren’t just to corral behavior, but they are also for protecting teens from their peers on the other side of the fence. For instance, a teen girl should establish her own personal boundaries in regard to her body and not allow others to cross those boundaries with her.  Talk to her about those boundaries, so she solidifies them in her mind before the situation arises.

How to Establish Boundaries

Parents can begin to establish boundaries by picking their top ten or fifteen deeply held beliefs and then identifying boundaries for each. Think about and write down different real-life situations and how far things can go before your family boundaries will be violated.  Having too many boundaries can confuse the whole family and make it impossible to grow and adapt, so keep it simple.

Here are some examples of boundaries (yours may be different):

• We believe our home is a refuge, where there should be mutual respect for one another and for each other’s belongings, time and personal space.We believe in truth and honesty, so we will tell the truth (including the whole story). We will not bend the truth, gossip untruths or exaggerate.
• We believe that having positive and uplifting communications is important, so will not use inappropriate language, cussing, swearing, off-color stories, or yelling in anger.
• We believe that there is nothing good that can happen after midnight, so everyone should be home.
• We believe that excellence is important, so we expect everyone to do their best in what they do, including work, chores and school.
• We believe that faith is an important part of life, so we will participate in the activities and the fellowship of others in our church.

Boundaries Demand Rules and Consequences

If you wonder why teenagers behave irresponsibly, well, it’s because they are irresponsible.  And, they will not become responsible or mature, or wise, until they engage in the process of dealing with the consequences of their choices and behavior.  It is a cycle that needs to happen over and over before a teen comes to full maturity.

So, the next job is to create specific rules and then consequences for breaking those rules. That’s a job best developed by the whole family, so they feel as though they have contributed. You’ll be surprised how harsh your teen will make their own consequences, so it will be your job to make those more reasonable. And don’t forget to make the consequences escalate for each continued breach of the rules and match consequences with the severity of the infraction.

Keep In Touch

The point is this: your teen needs to learn how to make good choices. When they know in advance what the boundaries are, what the specific rules are, and what the consequences will be, they’ll more likely be able to make a better choice. At the very least, they’ll not be shocked and feel “ganged up” on when consequences are applied. “Mom’s might ground me for this” simply isn’t a concrete deterrent. Instead, “I’ll lose my cell phone for a month” is a clearer and more direct deterrent that will stick in the teen’s mind.

Boundaries are important. But teens are still prone to test them in every possible way.  So, as you develop and enforce healthy boundaries it is important to spend time with your child on a regularly scheduled basis to discuss them. This makes it clear to them that no matter what decisions they make; your relationship will not be affected.

Set up a weekly breakfast or dinner where you can talk, one to one. Avoid rehashing past mistakes but talk about better choices that can be made in the future and how those will positively impact your teen’s life. Help them begin to set goals and think about their purpose in life.  And be sure to begin and end your discussion with making sure your child understands that there is nothing they can do to make you love them more, and there’s nothing they can do to make you love them less.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas.