Brett Divine and the media crew at The Church at Chapel Hill in Douglasville, Georgia produced this insightful video on manly bathroom etiquette. For you ladies who may be viewing, this might be too much information

Contrary to what most moms and dads think, teens really do want rules. Rules help keep them headed in the right direction and prevent them from ending up in a place that they don’t want to be. When coupled with consequences, they help the teen more easily resist temptation and the inappropriate scheming of their peers. Having a good reason to say “No” comes as a relief to a teen raised to know basic moral values. Deep down, teens understand this, no matter how much they push against the rules, bend them, break them, and balk at them.

To be effective, rules need to be based on the boundaries you establish in your home, which are even more important and foundational for a child to learn. Boundaries aren’t the rules; they are the fence posts placed around behavior. They are the delineation of how a family’s beliefs are to be lived out; the “I will” and “I will not” statements that are the basis of our daily living and interaction with others. They help everyone in the family take responsibility for their own behavior, improve their choices, and know if they are headed into dangerous territory.

Boundaries define what you will and won’t accept, and should come from what you believe is right for your teen at this stage in his life and for your family.

An example of a boundary might be: “We will treat each other with mutual respect.”  If you believe that respect for one another has merit (I certainly do), then your boundary will include showing respect to those you live with, and teaching family members to respect authority and those outside the family as well. Being respectful means: not taking things without asking, not talking badly about another, not leaving a mess, not calling names or mouthing off.

On the positive side, being respectful means: celebrating one another’s successes, helping each other out when it’s needed, asking permission before using something that is not yours, or standing up for other family members. You fill in what you consider to be respectful and disrespectful practices.

Did you notice in this example that boundaries are about every member of the family, not just the kids? They are more about setting an accepted lifestyle and mode of interaction for everyone in the home, versus specific do’s and don’ts. If the boundaries are completely understood, then rules almost become redundant. For instance, “respect” would also cover issues like theft, honesty, caring for others, taking care of one’s belongings, etc.

Boundaries insure each family member takes responsibility for themselves and their own actions.

Boundaries include what your child already knows, what you’ve taught them all their life. But sometimes teens get confused by “childhood” rules within those boundaries and rules which are lifelong.  For instance, the boundary, “We will avoid unnecessary risks and dangers,” would include holding mom’s hand as you walk across the street as a child. This would of course not be appropriate in the teen years. Rather, it would shift more toward wearing a car seatbelt, a bike helmet, and not taking medications without a parent’s permission or doctor’s prescription in the teen years.

But another typical boundary, “We will avoid illegal activities,” is a lifelong boundary. It never changes, other than according to changes in the current laws. The goal, then, is to make it clear to your teen which boundaries and related rules are now appropriate for him, according to the values you hold dear and just common sense (you may have noticed that teens don’t always have a lot of common sense).

Boundaries aren’t just to corral behavior, but they are also for protecting teens from their peers on the other side of the fence. For instance, a teen girl should establish her own personal boundaries in regard to her body and not allow others to cross those boundaries with her.  Talk to her about those boundaries, so she solidifies them in her mind before the situation arises.

How to Establish Boundaries

Parents can begin to establish boundaries by picking their top ten or fifteen deeply held beliefs and then identifying boundaries for each. Think about and write down different real-life situations and how far things can go before your family boundaries will be violated.  Having too many boundaries can confuse the whole family and make it impossible to grow and adapt, so keep it simple.

Here are some examples of boundaries (yours may be different):

• We believe our home is a refuge, where there should be mutual respect for one another and for each other’s belongings, time and personal space.We believe in truth and honesty, so we will tell the truth (including the whole story). We will not bend the truth, gossip untruths or exaggerate.
• We believe that having positive and uplifting communications is important, so will not use inappropriate language, cussing, swearing, off-color stories, or yelling in anger.
• We believe that there is nothing good that can happen after midnight, so everyone should be home.
• We believe that excellence is important, so we expect everyone to do their best in what they do, including work, chores and school.
• We believe that faith is an important part of life, so we will participate in the activities and the fellowship of others in our church.

Boundaries Demand Rules and Consequences

If you wonder why teenagers behave irresponsibly, well, it’s because they are irresponsible.  And, they will not become responsible or mature, or wise, until they engage in the process of dealing with the consequences of their choices and behavior.  It is a cycle that needs to happen over and over before a teen comes to full maturity.

So, the next job is to create specific rules and then consequences for breaking those rules. That’s a job best developed by the whole family, so they feel as though they have contributed. You’ll be surprised how harsh your teen will make their own consequences, so it will be your job to make those more reasonable. And don’t forget to make the consequences escalate for each continued breach of the rules and match consequences with the severity of the infraction.

Keep In Touch

The point is this: your teen needs to learn how to make good choices. When they know in advance what the boundaries are, what the specific rules are, and what the consequences will be, they’ll more likely be able to make a better choice. At the very least, they’ll not be shocked and feel “ganged up” on when consequences are applied. “Mom’s might ground me for this” simply isn’t a concrete deterrent. Instead, “I’ll lose my cell phone for a month” is a clearer and more direct deterrent that will stick in the teen’s mind.

Boundaries are important. But teens are still prone to test them in every possible way.  So, as you develop and enforce healthy boundaries it is important to spend time with your child on a regularly scheduled basis to discuss them. This makes it clear to them that no matter what decisions they make; your relationship will not be affected.

Set up a weekly breakfast or dinner where you can talk, one to one. Avoid rehashing past mistakes but talk about better choices that can be made in the future and how those will positively impact your teen’s life. Help them begin to set goals and think about their purpose in life.  And be sure to begin and end your discussion with making sure your child understands that there is nothing they can do to make you love them more, and there’s nothing they can do to make you love them less.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas.

Fortunately, it is possible, with God’s help, to grow a great family! Not long ago, I spoke with author Carol Kuykendall about what it takes to build great families. She has written a book, Five-Star Families: Moving Yours From Good to Great, and has put her own twist on how to do it, addressing five areas of family life that matter most. Here are Carol’s “Five Stars” with my own take on how they can make a difference in building your family.

1. Faith

“Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.” (Psalm 127:1) That’s one of the greatest pieces of advice from the Psalms of the Old Testament. It is very clear in the Bible (see Deuteronomy 6:6-7) that the primary role of a parent is to train children who will not only be faithful to their relationships with God but who will also develop their own vital vibrant faith. Faith provides a tremendous foundation for building a great family!

Today, there is a fresh wind inspiring parents to take an active, intentional role in nurturing the faith of their children. Be a part of what God’s Spirit is doing in this area. Don’t miss out on perhaps the greatest legacy you can pass on to your kids: a life that demonstrates a passionate pursuit of God and love for Him. Be reminded, encouraged and challenged: This process starts with you!

2. Growth

Great families grow spiritually, emotionally and physically! This means that parents must make intentional investments in these areas. No family relationship is ever stagnant. It is either growing stronger or weaker. Your family will grow strong as you tackle these important growth areas head on. For example, as mentioned above, make sure you are setting the spiritual pace for your family. Look to express A.W.E. to your family often – affirmation, warmth and encouragement. Make choices for your family in regards to diet and exercise that will lead to a healthy lifestyle.

3. Fun

Great families take time to play and have fun! A marvelous thing happens to families when they play together: They begin to talk and laugh and lighten up. Family memories are built, inside jokes are shared, and serious moments of intimacy are communicated. Families need special times together to build lifelong memories and to play together!

4. Loyalty

The Bible says, “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.” (1 Corinthians 13:7) Loyalty is a key ingredient to building great families! Commitment to one another in family relationships is a vital component of what I call the “Power of Being There.”  Family members thrive when they know that there are people they can count on for love, support and encouragement in the good times, as well as the bad!

5. Love

Lessons in godly love are first and best learned in the context of family relationships. Great families demonstrate love to one another! Now, every family is different in how they express affection. Sadly, many parents withhold affection because “we didn’t do that when I was growing up.” Consequently, if we’ve grown up without a positive model to follow, we may not know how to demonstrate affection.

Even in some of the most caring homes, parents may stop touching their children once they reach grade-school age. When this happens, an important part of showing God’s love also stops. All of us – children, teenagers and adults alike – need meaningful and loving affection. God will use our affection to show our family members how valuable they are, and how much they are loved by both their earthly families and by our heavenly Father!

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By Jim Burns, Ph.D
In response to the overwhelming needs of parents and families, Jim Burns founded HomeWord in 1985. HomeWord is a Christian organization designed to provide assistance to adults worldwide as they help young people make wise decisions and lead positive, vibrant, Christian lifestyles.

Printed by permission of HomeWord.  For additional information on HomeWord, visit www.homeword.com or call 800-397-9725.

Essentially, the core values of tenure are academic freedom. It’s supposed to give teachers an incentive to stretch their thinking. However, we’ve discovered that without an element of risk, people do exactly the opposite. Instead of pushing the boundaries, many would say that tenured teachers seem more likely to coast or slack off. That seems particularly true when tenure is applied to high schools where the oversight is incredibly lax. California grants tenure after just two years in the classroom. New York waits for a total of three years. That means that after only 2 or 3 years, a teacher essentially has their job for life.

This makes is nearly impossible to get rid of bad teachers. LA Weekly reported that in the past decades, LA Unified spent $3.5 million trying to fire just seven teachers for poor classroom performance. The sad result was that just two were fired, two others were paid large settlements and one was reinstated. 32 other teachers were paid $50,000 each in secret just to leave without a fight. One administrator told me there are nearly 100 separate steps to complete for the district to fire a single teacher, and it often drags on for years. Sometimes the teacher sits at home for years with full pay waiting for the outcome. With policies like that, is there any wonder California is bankrupt and the schools are shameful?

Human nature being what it is, we tend to rest on our laurels. When the risk is removed, our drive is often removed as well. When it comes to tenure, what started out as well meaning, has gone horribly wrong – to the point that I believe the entire tenure system needs to be yanked.

I love teaching and have many friends who are great professors. Benefits are a wonderful thing, but whatever the job, when you remove all the risk, you also remove the edge that it takes to succeed. Just ask the Winter Olympic athletes. If a Gold Medal was a sure thing, they wouldn’t have spent so many years fighting the odds to become the great athletes we see today.

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Phil Cooke is a writer, speaker, filmmaker, & media consultant who’s work focuses on helping clients create platforms for influencing culture and getting their voice heard. Visit his blog, The Change Revolution, at www.philcooke.com.

As your children grow, you are able to direct their dreams for a while. Life is good. Then something happens. All of a sudden, seemingly overnight, everything changes. The once amiable child is now a teenager and is no longer following your road map! He seems to have developed his own direction, forsaking what you had imagined for him. How did this happen?

As kids mature in the teen years, they begin searching on their own for meaning in life, a purpose for living, something that makes their life worth living. And that may not at all match what Mommy and Daddy thought it should be.

Why Am I Here?

One of the most important life questions your teen will begin asking and wrestling with is, “Why am I here?” or “What’s my purpose on this Earth?” Without a purpose, life becomes motion without meaning; trivial, petty, pointless, and founded upon whatever the culture offers up as the latest “must have” material thing or “must do” activity.

“The man without a purpose is like a
ship without a rudder—a waif, a nothing, a no man.”
–Thomas Carlyle

Pastor Rick Warren calls this pursuit for meaning the drive for purpose. In his blockbuster book “The Purpose-Driven Life,” Warren offers the answer; “You were made for a mission. You aren’t here just to wander around lost. And you aren’t here simply to live for yourself.”

I grew up in a time and home where people believed that God had a plan for each of our lives. I was taught that each person is as unique as the fingerprints stamped on their digits, and that God wanted a personal relationship with me. I learned that I was uniquely created, fearfully and wonderfully made, and that Christ died for “me.” I was told that I was precious in God’s sight.

So, why are kids so lost today? Are parents no longer passing on these same values to their children? I am convinced that if more kids knew their purpose, they’d have fewer struggles in the teen years. They’d feel a sense of meaning; they’d know where they are headed and concentrate on getting there.

When I look back at my own life, my work, and my happiness about fulfilling God’s purpose for my life, I get excited all over again. It all started from a point in my life when I felt hopeless, lost, and not knowing where to turn. At that point I started asking questions about my own purpose in life, and I started listening to the answers God was giving me.

Showing Your Teen How to Find Their Life Purpose

A good place to begin the search for purpose is to understand that purpose is woven into every strand of the fabric of our lives. It has to do with God-given talents, the experiences in our life, and those things which give a person “goose bumps” or a tear to their eye when they think about them. Moreover, purpose has to do with using those talents to serve God and others, not one’s self.

“Between this day and the next you will give your life to something.
The decision on what that will be will shape your destiny.”
–Rick Warren

So, has your teen ever taken stock of their talents and gifts? Are they a great talker, or a great listener? Are they skilled at building things, or are they good with people? Is their talent more cerebral or more physical? I suggest they make a list of the things and activities that interest them and those in which they excel. There are a number of places on the Web that they can take online Spiritual Gifts Tests. They can also ask themselves, “What’s the one thing that I do better than others?” This can clue them in to their God-given purpose.

The gifts God gives us need to be tested in fertile soil, so it’s important for a teen to get a wide variety of experiences. As they do so, certain talents will sprout and blossom, others will wilt and die. Through these new experiences, God will reveal more about who they are and how God has called them to serve Him and others. One experience can literally change their life.

Unlike the Field of Dreams premise “If you build it they will come,” teenagers shouldn’t get stuck on developing just one purpose, even if for the moment they are convinced it is their true purpose in life. It is far better that they continue to experience new things. So, a better plan for finding life purpose is, “As they experience it, it will come to them.” And keep in mind that they may have difficulty finding their purpose in the classroom or from books. So a parent should provide plenty of “field experiences” for their teenager.

Take a Simple Life Purpose Exercise

For teens (or parents) who have already had many experiences in life, and are still confused about their purpose, here’s a good exercise. Take out a blank sheet of paper and write at the top, “What is My Life Purpose?” Then, have them begin writing answers. They should write any answer that pops into their head. It could be a word or two, or a sentence. Repeat until they write the answer that makes them cry – obviously not a sad cry, but a joyful one.

Yup, if it makes a tear come to their eye, then it’s a sure bet that this is their purpose, or at least associated with their purpose. They should do it in private and without any accompanying music or other distractions. It may take 100 or even 200 lines of potential “purposes” to hit the one that makes a tear come to their eye, but encourage them to keep at it until they do.

Helen Keller said it best, “Many people have a wrong
idea of what constitutes true happiness.
It is not attained through self-gratification,
but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”

When God begins revealing their purpose, remind your teen that it may not be reached tomorrow, next month or even in logical steps. Instead, they may need to take some initial steps to get there and there may be detours along the way. But knowing the destination will help them build strength and courage to get there – often much more than we might expect they’ll have.

It’s a Lifelong Journey

Finding purpose is a lifelong journey. God doesn’t give all the details at once, nor does He promise it will be a smooth ride. Instead, He often provides just enough information to help us move another mile down the road. It helps us to trust Him as our Navigator. As you progress along the road of your life’s purpose, pay attention to the road signs He provides along the way and listen to Him speak to you.

Nothing matters more than your teen knowing God’s purpose for their life, and nothing can compensate for not knowing it. Knowing their purpose gives meaning to their life and each step along the way. It motivates them to prepare for their purpose, to save themselves for that purpose, and to avoid anything that might get in the way. Knowing their purpose simplifies their life and removes confusion.

“The purpose of life is a life of purpose.”
–Robert Byrne

On the other hand, without a clear purpose, they have no foundation on which to base decisions, allocate their time, and use their resources. Without a clear purpose, they’ll keep changing directions, jobs, relationships, churches, or other externals—hoping each change will settle the confusion or fill the emptiness in their heart.

The Comfort of Knowing God’s Purpose

Isn’t it comforting to know that God has a bigger purpose for each of us? If you believe it, then step in front of a mirror and look for areas in your own life that need to grow. Perhaps you’re not following your own heart in finding God’s purpose in your life. Aim this year to make some changes – with God’s help.

“A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump;
a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree.”
–Proverbs 11:28 (The Message)

As for me, I stand on His promises, I’m assured of His presence, I love His involvement, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am living in the center of His purpose for my life.

“What’s my purpose?” is probably the most important and empowering question you or your teenager will ever ask in this lifetime. So help them uncover their talents, their strengths, their values, their passion. Help them experience new things and develop a plan – any plan, even if it is just a first step. Find ways for them to live life with intent. This New Year is a great time to help your teen – and maybe even you – begin a quest for purpose.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas.

Father, you cannot underestimate the power of the words that you speak over your children.

I remember the horrific moment when I witnessed a father make a derogatory remark concerning his child. I couldn’t believe it. I saw the embittered look on his child’s face. I am certain that he didn’t think about the repercussions that that comment would have on his child. The deep wound that penetrated her soul, the life long pain that it would cause.

As a father, your words can have the power of life and death. Solomon said, “A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.” Rather than spewing out insult a father should speak instruction.

Do not assume that your child knows what you know. Teach them the simple things in life. Show them the way to live. Instruct them on the duties that they should perform.

Balancing a checking account. Changing a tire. Knowing what to do in certain circumstances.

Your words reflect your interior motives:

• Cussing reveals your ignorance of a vocabulary.
• Cursing reveals a lack of understanding.
• Criticism reveals arrogance born out of insecurity.
• Cynicism reveals failure to persevere.

Your words affect the future of your children. Your words cultivate your relationship. Unspoken words of affection are not understood. If you do not tell your children what you believe in them, they will have a missing ingredient in their lasting success.

Your relationship with your children should be defined and understood by your words.

Saved By The Bell

Keith Reed imparts important messages to the at-risk youths who work out in his gym.

She was falling. Fast. Smoking weed, drinking and hanging out with the wrong people. Cheyenne McKinney went from someone who was doing a lot at Booker T. Washington High School to someone who no one thought would graduate.

She had lost her motivation, her inspiration to do anything.

She lost her Pops. He died in April 2008 and she didn’t know what to do.

Then she took a second look at Orlando Hawkins. He had been a friend at Booker T., but had gotten in trouble and was arrested. But he found a way to stop falling out of a good life. He became a boxer.

Cheyenne McKinney takes a break between rounds at The Reed Foundation boxing gym in north Tulsa. “As soon as I met Coach Reed, it’s like, that’s the turning point in my life,” she says.

She wasn’t sure if it was going to work for her. Her mother certainly didn’t think so when she drove her daughter up to Keith Reed’s boxing gym near Apache Street and Cincinnati Avenue.

“I’m not letting you get out in this ghetto neighborhood,” McKinney recalls her mother saying. “Go ask that man who the boxing coach is.”

Soon they met the man inside the building. A thick-framed man, 6 feet tall, 275 pounds, with a gold-tooth speckled smile. He wasn’t like her Pops, a man she called “her heart.” But Cheyenne quickly found out Reed would serve a different role. She would eventually call him her savior.

“As soon as I met Coach Reed, it’s like, that’s the turning point in my life,” McKinney said.

Back then, almost two years ago, the Reed Foundation boxing gym in north Tulsa was rough.

“We just had a real raggedy building, you know, you could see the sky, the rain, it was terrible,” Reed said.

That wasn’t the way Reed remembered it. The building had been a boys club when Reed was a kid. In the early ’70s, it was thriving with athletic programs, and would eventually lead Reed to find himself and his passion.

“Without boxing, I could have been real hot-headed. Boxing cooled the head down because once you get into boxing, you realize you’re not the toughest person in the world,” Reed said. “There’s always somebody who’s tougher than you are.”

Boxing took Reed around the world as a teenager. He’s a Golden Glove winner who won third place in nationals when he was 17 years old. He has fought big names such as Sugar Ray Leonard.

Those experiences taught him to love his fellow man, he said. Now he spends four hours every night re-giving the gift that the boys club gave him.

Today, the Reed Foundation gym features two boxing rings, pro equipment, treadmills and about 60 members, including Cheyenne, someone who graduated her senior year with A’s and B’s and has her sights set on the Olympics in 2012.

It’s here that Reed takes at-risk youths and teaches them self-confidence and discipline through the sport of boxing.

“I just stick by him, and they call me ‘Little Reed,’ ” McKinney said.

“I asked my mom, like, ‘did you ever think boxing would be my turning point?’ ” McKinney said. “This could be my future. I never thought about it like that.”

Read more from this Tulsa World article at www.tulsaworld.com.

As I sat at my desk lost in thought and study, all of a sudden I heard the sound of children. I spun around in my office chair to look out of my home office window. It was like a steady stream of moms and kids walking, skipping, laughing, biking, running even rollerblading home.

As I looked at all the boys and girls, I thought of your children and teens including my little Blakely and Nash. There are few gifts, which God gives us that are as valuable as our children. So what can we do to maximize our effects as parents on our kids? In a word, what steps can you take to raise positive kids in a negative world?

A few years ago I read the great words written by Dr. Ken Lehman. He wrote them as if a child were speaking to his or her parent. I have found them to be very helpful as Tatum and I raise our children, in fact we actually have them hanging in our kitchen. So as they have helped us, I’m persuaded they can help you too. Here they are:

01. My hands are small; please don’t expect perfection whenever I make a bed, draw a picture, or throw a ball. My legs are short; slow down so that I can keep up with you.

02. My eyes have not seen the world as yours have; let me explore it safely; don’t restrict me unnecessarily.

03. Housework will always be there. I’m little only for a short time. Take time to explain things to me about this wonderful world, and do so willingly.

04. My feelings are tender; don’t nag me all day long (you would not want to be nagged for your inquisitiveness). Treat me as you would like to be treated.

05. I am a special gift from God; reassure me as God intended you to do, holding me accountable for my actions, giving me guidelines to live by, and discipling me in a loving manner.

06. I need your encouragement (but not your empty praise) to grow. Go easy on the criticism; remember you can criticize the things I do without criticizing me.

07. Give me the freedom to make decisions concerning myself. Permit me to fail, so that I can learn from my mistakes. Then someday I’ll be prepared to make the decisions life will require of me.

08. Don’t do things over for me; that makes me feel that my efforts didn’t measure up to your expectations. I know it’s hard, but don’t compare me with my brother or sister.

09. Don’t be afraid to leave for a weekend together. Kids need vacation from parents, and parents need vacations from kids. Besides, it’s a great way to show us kids that your marriage is something special.

10. Take me to church regularly, setting a good example for me to follow. I enjoy learning more about God.

Wow, those are some really great words of advice! And the good news is that the Holy Spirit will give you wisdom, strength, and courage to put those words into practice. You see, as a parent you’re not on your own; the Lord is with you no matter if your child is 2 or 28, God is with you.

So what should you do now? Well why not start putting these into practice today. Don’t wait for tomorrow or think you’ve waited too long. It’s never too late to begin doing what’s right.

About Chris Lindberg
Known for his easy to duplicate creativity and respected for his achievement. Chris has devoted over a decade of his life to serve the local church as he has ministered to teens, families and ministry leaders. Under his leadership his former student ministry mushroomed from 35 students to become a vibrant group of over 600 in less than five years.

Currently, Chris now serves as an assistant pastor to Blaine Bartel at Northstar Church, an active and thriving church plant in the North Dallas community of Frisco, TX. It is here that he continues to lead and direct the student ministry of Arora as well as oversee Northstar’s creative department.