It is likely no surprise to you that God has wired women and men differently. We all recognize some of these differences, but others often hide in plain sight. Shaunti Feldhahn, a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist, author and speaker wrote a fantastic book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. In it, she recounts the surprising truths she learned about men after interviewing more than one thousand of them.

I had the opportunity to interview Shaunti for our radio broadcast, HomeWord with Jim Burns. In our discussion, we spoke about ten things guys wish women knew about men and I think this is good info for both sexes. I think you’ll find these ten things fascinating! Even more, I believe that in understanding these issues, you’ll be equipped to lead your marriage to a better place!

1. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.

Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.

2. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife.

When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.

3. Men are often insecure.

Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.

4. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family.

Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.

5. Men want more sex.

Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.

6. Sex means more than sex.

When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!

7. Men struggle with visual temptation.

This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.

8. Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic.

True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?

9. Men care about their wife’s appearance.

This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.

10. Men want their wives to know how much they love them.

This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.

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By Jim Burns, Ph.D
In response to the overwhelming needs of parents and families, Jim Burns founded HomeWord in 1985. HomeWord is a Christian organization designed to provide assistance to adults worldwide as they help young people make wise decisions and lead positive, vibrant, Christian lifestyles.

Printed by permission of HomeWord.  For additional information on HomeWord, visit www.homeword.com or call 800-397-9725.

I believe we can trace a lot of the problems in marriages to this one principle. A husband who does not deliver on his promises is like a cloud without rain on a dry and dusty day. All show and no go, so to speak. When a wife has expectations that go unmet, she becomes disappointed. Disappointment brings on resentment. Resentment brings hopelessness. Hopelessness brings on sickness.

With my commentary, Dr. Gary Smalley, family counsellor, president of Smalley Relationship Center states that the four greatest needs of a woman are:

Emotional and Physical Security

The husband has spiritual authority to umbrella his wife with protection. An authentic man will lay down his life for the sake of his wife. He also has the responsibility to provide emotional support. How? Through the next most felt need in her life.

The Need for Regular Meaningful Communication

Men relate shoulder to shoulder facing challenges, women relate face to face sharing feelings. A woman needs eye contact and verbal support. When she receives this attention it speaks deep into her, cultivating her emotional security. The husband’s words are seeds sown into her for incubation. What you sow is what you will reap. Which leads to the next need in her life.

Non-sexual Touch

According to one study, there are 64 physiological benefits to the human touch. In other words, when you “lay hands upon” your wife, her body receives a chemical boost from your touch. There is more to the touch than the physical. It can have a spiritual healing effect upon her as well. This also shows why a man should never raise his hand against his wife – he robs her of his healing touch. What is meant to be a blessing becomes a curse.

Romance

As a husband, when you provide the first three needs of a woman, you won’t have any trouble with the last need, which is romance. I cannot understand why men don’t realize that it took courting to get their wife and it will take courting to keep her.

The second half of the principle is the promise, “a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” The fruit that is produced by fulfilling a wife’s needs is life itself. Your marriage will die if you neglect it. It will last as you nurture and cultivate it.

Satan also knows that “where two agree on earth touching anything, the Spirit of God is in the midst.” He wants to be the third-party in the relationship. He wants to intertwine his schemes into your relationship – jealousy, envy, manipulation, greed, pride, harsh words, anger, and sexual sins.

The destruction of every marriage can be traced to a destructive third voice. Here are the keys to building a hedge of protection around your marriage:

Create and protect the atmosphere of your home.

Don’t allow strife to enter in to your home. Where there is strife there is every evil work. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE DESTRUCTIVE POWER OF STRIFE. Music creates an atmosphere. Television brings complete strangers and strange ideas into your home. Feasting on murder and adultery is not the kind of entertainment that you should have in your home. You would never invite your neighbors to come into your home and share their intimate details or have sexual relations in front of you.

Attend a church that supports proper relationships.

A church that promotes the ideas of authentic manhood, honors and respects women, and provides safe and nurturing programs to help raise your children in the instruction of God’s Word. Has the fruit of your pastors teaching produced a healthy family in his home?

Does the leadership model a strong family life? The Bible qualifies ministerial leadership. If a man cannot be faithful to his own marriage what makes you think that he will honor your marriage?

Regularly pray and discuss God’s Word with your wife.

Have communion with your wife, especially over your Tithes and Offerings, worship together. Make room for the gifts of the Spirit to work in your home. The Third voice in marriage should be the Spirit of God. He should always have the invitation to counsel and remind you of your vows.

Keep your relations in confidence.

Don’t discuss private issues with anyone outside of your relationship. It is inappropriate to reveal intimacies. No locker room talk. We’re not in junior high. Keep your marriage bed holy.

Be grateful for her.

Express your gratitude for the woman and mother that your wife is. She is an individual who has willingly connected to your dreams and goals in life. Studies overwhelming reveal that when a husband helps his wife around the house that they have more intimacy. Guys, its worth the effort.

Speak words of affirmation to her.

She MUST hear from you. Faith comes from hearing. Speak words that build her up, strengthen and encourage her. Speak kind and comforting words. Your words sanctify her. Learn how to communicate to your wife. Learn what she needs to hear from you. In times of trouble, don’t reveal your fears and insecurities! You must show yourself as a man. She will draw strength from you.

Continue to court her.

Date your wife as if you were in the continual pursuit of her. Open the door for her. Stand up, embrace, and greet her when she enters into your world such as the office. She should be the last woman that you “look” at.

The idea was that with woman, man had a perfect fit in her being with him.  This means that a woman is a perfect match for man in fulfilling his original purpose.

Most men struggle with the concept that he needs a woman; but an authentic man celebrates a woman.  He understands emptiness and loneliness without her.  God said that man needed a woman.  He emphasized man’s lack.

One of the greatest cause for societal breakdown is man’s irresponsibility to fulfilling his original purpose and his lack of celebrating woman’s original purpose as a suitable helper.

An authentic man celebrates the strength of a talented, smart, and confident woman.

Society has promoted that the most attractive woman is a dumb and busty blonde.  This type of woman is only attractive to the weak man who’s conquests are shallow.

A FivestarMan is gallant; meaning that he celebrates a woman as God intended.  She is strong, smart, and pure.  Her glory is not only the physical beauty that she carries with dignity, but the deep rivers of virtue within her.

Keys to Celebrating a Woman

• Understand that you are incomplete without the right woman to celebrate.
• Invest in her. Adam was given the honor to name the woman giving him the responsibility for her.
• Woman was drawn from the side of man, not from the feet of man. She is not positioned under him, but beside him.
• Woman is the original God ordained suitable partner for a man.
• Woman is the perfect fit for man.
• When a man and a woman agree on earth, nothing is impossible for them.